pardon my heart



laugh at your past
kyle said "can you
about these poems write a number of poems and die
do you die can you do it 1000 times before matthias can hike
his dogs to mt killamanjaro (sp)
i have a serious talk to go
talking
can i use dreams to say how i felt tripping in that electrical storm
do i even like grid planned plain towns
its so flat and smooth asphault
kill me
i wonder if the weather can read my mind
i dont know a way back to anything of a smile
but im writing a billion poems to pay off my debt
to some stupid magic
these are moments where i think i am human
or a human thinks how the hell can i be me
can i meet her at home
can i ever move my lips w/o crying
here is my stupid mouth
my jingle teeth
a nowhere that you can roll out for miles
tie it to my feet
and fly me close to the storm

I AM SCUM


what a wall can do for me
so i got caught pilfering a donut at the donut shop
so i talk rude to cops
fuck god
i have to wait a few minutes after rage
fuck rage
a fence you can see thru is poison
you say i am clean and everyone around me is scum
why do all my friends want to die
or is it numbskulls mumbling prayers to a wall
the other side is just turning your back on what holds you
this is my fucked up grin
teeth i have collected off the beaches 
the ocean will kill you
the sky is not blue it is just distorted light
i mean there is no color in anything
unless you see it

CHA CHING

this guy i met once who used to work with a friend of mine

getting weed or something

he lived in this gated community

my friend mike said he was from brazil

wait let me make something clear

i am an ideas man

i dream big and choke to deth

so this brazil guy he was tall a lot taller than me and im not short

said if we went to brazil to stay away from non tourist areas

because if you are an asshole at some local dive bar

someone could pay a beggar 5$ to kill you

and this is all about world cup 

the stadium in rio can see columns of smoke

rising from another soccer field not too far away

where local gangs burn people alive in stacked tires

i never save

my money i mean 

this is what we are talking about

when we say we are alive

pay for falling

i want to be on another planet

i think in order to win this war

we need to stop believing in war
money is as real as we want it to be
everyone hears poetry
but listen

CAVE DWELLINGS

sometimes i am reminded of who i was a long time ago
a ghost is the smallest element
i kept trying to use a line in a poem while driving from boise to nebraska
i used it
i wonder what life would be like if i was me again
see things that are a memory of a spec of my dedself
earlier today i was thinking about a time when my father kicked me
as i was on the ground trying to change into clothes for yard work
i wonder if he figured i would forgive him
we forget a lot of events in our lives
years and years if we try hard enough
it is no effort though
thats why its so hard
we see things painted inside of our skulls
this is when we had a good hunt
or when we cried in a ball on the floor

HOW TO COOK PERFECT HARD BOILED EGG

1. get eggs

2. leave eggs in fridge maybe eat one or two any way u want but not hard boiled… yet

3. wait for them to get to date on carton thing

4. place eggs in large pot filled w enough water to more than cover all eggs

5. fill up large bowl w enough water to cover eggs and place bowl in freezer

6. pour a lil salt and a lil vinegar into water 

7. turn on stove top to lets say some where between medium high and high

8. cover

9. wait for it to reach boil

10. let boil for 3-5 minutes

11. remove from heat

12. let sit in hot water for 15-20 min

13. remove 1 egg and dip in in ice water to cool then spin it 

14. if it spins p good then remove all eggs and put in ice water

15. IF EGG SPINS WOBBLY PLACE BACK IN HOT WATER AND BRING BACK TO BOIL FOR IDK 2-3 MIN

16. put bowl of ice water and eggs back in the freezer for 10 min

17. remove eggs from ice water, dry, eat or store for 5-7 days

SPANGLED 


hurts to breathe
read the internet
while taking a dump
i am having a baby
i am a baby
we are in a computer program
the super volcano is going to kill someone
maybe
we will all die one day

HUNGER


i'm blind and i'm stupid i say to salt water
why am i so afraid
of everything?????????
a murderous wave to say hello drowning my old friend
where do people find all these fish
inside of you
i stumble into sadness i cannot run on the beach
w/o feeling
that i have wasted so much
i scream into my brain cage
this skull kills fascists
beating my head w/ the palm of my hand
shout WAKE UP
and eyes fill up w/ tears to whimper
i do not remember my own home
there were once millions of bison here
where can i be buried
that doesn't make me a thief

WORST

muffucka never

          i want to fill up all the unfilled holes

                               w/ a huge last cry

    heavy isn't just

 what i carry

 i wait for someone to leave me a voicemail

dad died

     i guess it could be

       i feel like jesus except not fake jesus a real jesus

        who says MY FATHER IS A PIECE OF SHIT

but i forgive or i dont

        it really doesnt matter

       a thud on the roof is nobody there

                     something is wrapping on the window w stones

what abt all the ppl who hid

  inside the horse

         where is my best friend?

toes

it takes me a few weeks of stretching
to even act like i can touch myself

they thought i was faking how inflexible i am
but they are monsters

i am just a worthless son/brother/friend
i keep telling myself

tomorrow i will be a better me
maybe a year from now i will stop dying
on this rock

TREE POEM

only the ground asks me 
where i am going

i look down at the things closest to me
as if i am the queen of it

i take shits here
standing

if deth wasn't so permanent 
i probably would try it a few times

and i scream
I AM SO SAD PLZ CHOP ME DOWN
I AM SO SAD PLZ CHOP ME DOWN
I AM SO SAD PLZ CHOP ME DOWN

but the wind blows
and nothing else happens

FEEDING FRENZY

i know that painting
i mean i know why i am watching breaking bad
looking at clearance furniture online
i checked yr blog
i am really interested in the chemo scenes
i cried a little bit ago
sitting on my roommates sectional couch
smoking marijuana
it annoys me when ppl act like marijuana
is for children
i am not an age just the same decaying bum
inflating and the other
i need to cut my finger nails
it is very windy outside
or so i hear

WET CASH

u see a future skip across lake babcock

hold yr face down so the pigs dont smell yr drunk ass

we are laughing

each rip echoing thru air is last breath, no, they found you

laying in a ditch

buffla

alway jumps away same as earthy stumble

im drunk under the moony goddamn

hose the green lawn for a whole summer dry

no tears for a barely outta here whitemen

cant build a railway to mars quick enough

BLADDER 


relief finger drawn dirt circles or snow signatures
going to toss smooth stones and pieces of a rabbit skeleton
where is the opening
answers crashing wave on darkest beach
as i frantically search for my eyes

WET SOCKS


whimper abt have to pee on a mtn hwy drive
what if i never stopped talking
abt my ugly mug like the drugs war
i revise my history w a few silver medals
so it doesn't seem like  a waste

HITLERS CHILDREN


i like it when that nazis son talks
abt hating his parents
and his own daughter thanks him and calls him her fortress
and he is very old
and he cries and says thank you for that

WINTER

puke on the floor
go back and kiss girlfriend in bed a few times
wheres a head on lap while driving
so drunk
walked a few miles til my fingers fell off

WHY NOT????


there aren't enuf
poems
becuzz

i fed the cats

sometimes i feel like im the only one
hear a cat
i can hear a cat trying to puke
i guess idk if he is trying
he is old
dying
but so are the young cats and all of us
i fed the cats this new food
small colorful discs
and make myself a coffee
the smallest one jumps on the counter
to drink from the tap
and i let her
i dont hear the old cat trying to puke anymore
i let my coffee sit too long it isnt an enjoyable heat
one of the weathermen i follow on twitter
warned of the single digit temps
i wanted to reply
"fuck you"

we have friends  and can finish
each others meals
what if i think about killing myself so often
but dont want to kill myself yet
what a gun tastes like
how to reach my kobain
though bubble - i want to jizz
i do whatifs like too much vodka
grab the steering wheel like a jerk
we take ditches
i try to finish fast am waiting for a real moon
to exist in my lifetime
i am high and checking facebook
my roommates are drinking in the kitchen
i think abt my life mirrored to my fathers
im wasting time have no money
i want to speak to people with a smile

TROUNCED


ive been makin these mistakes
since my nails got long
talk abt how many showers i see a month
it rarely rains in february here
now im an olive tree three thousand years old
or some such shit
its the cussing that keeps my fruit coming
i fuck for just a trickle in the early summer
 but im not a dog a dog a dog
 for the moon that barely exists
in my handwritten history books
i mean who won wars anyway
im not tall enough for the fair ride i say
but these little specks carry x times their own weight
im slow in the river w my raft
cross my fingers i wont die for awhile
its i miss you that brings birds back
and i guess i do talk to animals
but in a way thats more than human
i am in love w being unsure of
as i tunnel thru the canopy
wondering when the next tree break
will startle me into walking upright

IT'S JUST ME AGAINST THE WORLD


so the walls
      soda bottles
           translate for 
               a dead womans
                   poems.

she says mother
    is a mother
         or wonders o'
             why bother

sugar thighs
      syrup nights for swallow pain
            wishes where she was was here
               wishes to talk thru walls
                 says curse sun or me or i cant 
                     read what she wrote

it goes and i 
 am already a slant
    against solid wood
       undead spruce
            maybe walnut
                

A POEM


will i drink to deth
a light my dragonsfire 
kiss me
w/ the back of your throat
two by two
drown into each others clean dirt
open waterfall of
snake in parfuum feel away
skinny oak 
it crumbly shore loses even the ship
every beast couples
at darkness or soonershine
was lonely was in closed eyes
for my narrow wander
where i been before is travel
thru solid ground
follow trail of bloodguts
from tomb to milky master
no i law i in love w my home
is a glassy plank 
foggy bay an obscura metus down
the alley near mulberry tree
how tall is aging
you the measure of my fingers in cream
talk danger at unseen move
cheek against cold metal
it is shining the sun still when it dies
a groove in yr hand listens
it is future glows a tunnel a porous 
moon travel man 
what stars can you claim
from canine to void of voice
a naked whale sings land
ho!

$$$666


cries a cell
out my look 
globes a coin
roll papers
swell pink breath
mint the trees blood
i am god
cum stain in wake
hands on
the casket
where to work
what a peace
for??
ded is justice
my name colors
a father builds
a boat
for his family
touch sky
flood yr ass
imagine no clouds
it's easy
to be open
sleep under roof
guns guns guns
fuck the police
tat a symbol
cut away crust
co-caine
drink kool-aid
from a knifeblade
glass house
get stoned
lite a candle
torch the rich
feel yr own land
pulse behind glass
bullet proof tongue
talk cheap
milk cheap
ignite me cheap
violent water
baah baah baal 
naked on the beach
think smile
count muscles
squeeze "the juice"
racial smoke machine
sounds of clapper
sing /i killed it/
dream or have one
it is a river
of melty golden
flake the flesh
pour gasoline 
muss feathers
glue feet to space
cost to live
where food is
stored secrets
stare at the hills
green light means
meet dark tunnel
shoot skin first
silver medal
run circles round
square root of prison
cash cycle
money records
pray for war
drug masses
poison hydra
oily eagle
burn the flag
bring back to life
walk the plank 
in my vision
a trillion debts
deth decision

A HUNDRED THOUSAND SUCKERS


i want to terrorize the sun
lift you up on my shoulders so you can pluck
i am bored
i washed the word dad from my tongue
swim me in the seven seas
i want to put all of my poems into a spaceship
and send them to the nearest star
so my brain can start over as a cavepoem
a slimepoem
a single celled cilia muck swimming thoughtlesspoem
who the fuck cares
there is no more heroin for him to make teary rivers
i don't know why i enjoy finding out who lied to me as a child
the rivers length
our enemies strength
who the fuck cares abt the trees anymore
my brain is a ladder to new planets
sing to me i am asleep and i miss you
these dreams i am having lately
i keep hearing ppl talk abt meaning as if it has meaning
haha
"loving you is a complete fucking waste"
-the sun
black beard stole a french slaver ship
and turned it into a north carolina pirate ship
politicians are crooked and we should get rid of them
what a waste of time
think i never went to summer camp
just ran around w my hands in my pants
but i miss last day of school
the way time seemed to stretch itself
instead of stretching my wasted dreams into a deathpool
I USED TO BELIVE IN GOD
and then i didn't
i was watching science fiction and it made me think
abt how pointless existence is
like i forgot that i was human
i was this non human breastless alien
garbling abt peace
life is short
answers are like assholes
i mean i used to have these dreams abt being chased
and i had one the other night
we thrive on being scared
we are the dickless aliens
smudging our cum on the walls of our caveminds
this me
these my cells
new every 7-10 years
dead soon
kill buffalo
there is one specific piggy back ride i remember
there are one or two trees that i really loved climbing
i see cats and i am glad i am not one
i played catch w myself because of capitalism
or something??
can i forgive my father???
does the infinite dark space even know i exist?
memory is a prison and a prisoner
catches you in the shower
you can't just clean the gunpowder off your trigger finger
my blood was on that sidewalk for years
and then they built something new
who am i but a smear on the wall
my face leaving grease on a window
i was here etc.
freeze my naked body in an iceberg
or keep me in something that won't melt
like the nothing in-between my own ears
why am i here is an echo
i mean why am i still here is an echo
questions are like assholes
the sun is an asshole
i used to think that a god was something
that made me and then would save me
but whats that all about
my legacy is a pillar of dust
yesterday feels like now
20 years ago feels like now
100,000,000 years ago feels like now
swimming in warm seas
bury treasure in my teeth
i wonder if a young me
will find them
if i will love myself
comb the sand
put me on their shoulders
so i can leave

tree poem

a friend of mine bought a gun today
i asked him why
he said protection man
i was like protection from man man
man
he said protection from mans protection to man man
man man
man i said man
want to see me shoot stuff
i said no and turned around
he started shooting stuff
it was loud and went on for a bout five minutes

tree poem


i've always wanted
to write a play
where different people just stand there
talk talk
small talk we all know each other better
than we know ourselves
or thats probably not true
i just like to project myself
into every living thing i have come across
and we slowly die
idk it takes several years

breakfast

one hit
water out of reused jug
two eggs fried over ez
one cup coffee w/ 2% *milk and a healthy pour of fake sugar
margarine 
two slices of toast untoasted (one heel)
a poem
three hits
another hit
1 klonopin
one cup coffee w/ 2% *milk and a healthy pour of fake sugar
three hits

muddd

breakfast was easy
she told me tomorrow is february but that was 
last night
i was thinking maybe deth is ez
or where i am iz 
sailor my dolphin hands thru passenger air
i am a webby fantasy of fantastic suicides
saves the day today
hey, wash the dirt from my leather jacket
paint my hair imma monet
if u stare at my face long enough you will see that
it is made up of many smaller faces
numbering is worthless
unless you intend to eat the fruit
don't say that
the value of where my accent isn't
i craw craw bc i loved men in the absence 
of a father
or moving thru time
the way i see trees passing in a car
its try heroin when yr 5
it will never be there for youth
but i keep killing myself for it
say next year
i will dig a new well
10 years from now
i will be a new thing

witness

homemade
tomato soup dripping from my mustache
onto my corduroys
i still feel coffee in my blood
hear the outside
fromfromfrom
i sled down snowy rivers on a hill
she returns mouth
say i saw a man
say say enough to sound like speaking
cat w/ no front claws paws on my leg
asking 
read into bones no the vibration heals
its ear on the tracks
listen to the killing machine thunder
you can count distance
between light
the strike
and deth of us

sad everyone world in the sad everyone is all the time a sad world aka a sad world aka a sad sad sad sad everyone


forget
wash hair cut hair remove hair let it grow
a dirty hippie
a socialist a communist will not watch mtv
yo! racism
yo! the miseducation of me and my award winning brain
yo! the pope is still the pope
yo! i have not trimmed my nails in days
yo! i am poetry
yo! colors are here to trick your mind
because you are a human
capitalism is a disease
winning a grammy does not make racism go away
it doesn't mean anything
yo! burn a bridge
yo! destroy the railroad
yo! i dream about a virgin landscape
yo! i am a human i am a mutant i am a crawling bug
yo! alcohol is what
bad for you?
what is more evil the evil in my teeth or the evil in my ears
yo! what is good
sup?
tell me where you have been all my life
yo!
remember commercials from your childhood remember how everything tastes
remember how much you wanted
little grabby hands grabby for light
yo! everyone is sad
yo! we are tools w/ tools
yo! who cares about the moon
yo! who cares about life after death
yo! white america shot tupac
yo! puff daddy?
yo! americas next top horse shit
yo! reality
yo! i am digging to "china"
yo! read abt all these beautiful places in china
yo! the third longest river is in china
yo! i will probably never go to china
yo! i am slowly decaying
yo! time is not real we are just experiencing decay as our bodies are slowly pulled apart by gravity and radiation and shit
yo! i want to go back
yo! to the dinosaurs
yo! in fiction they say if you go back too far you will die
yo! lies
yo! 

everyone is sad everyone in the world


up all night on vyvanse and klonopin drinking too much jameson
smoking inside because the roommate who doesn't smoke is in omaha
started smoking again people ask if i lost weight i say yes
even though its coming back i say the winter does this i am sad
talking to my psych teacher in high school abt how i am sad
always looking for a father never finding one show my football coach
a pic of my gf say see aren't you proud of me isn't she beautiful i am
not a failure i am not a drunk or a terrible father alone in a trailer
somewhere south of valentine killing myself dying my grey hair blonde
wearing all white low top chuck taylors hello father in tennessee for
no good reason but fear i asked that girlfriend i was so proud of if i could
practice taking her bra off and she said no and i asked her if we would
ever have sex and she said she wanted to wait til she was married and
i asked if we would ever get married and she said no so we dated for
another year. but there i was on too much of things at 3 or 4 or 5 am
and my mind goes to a black hole that hawking says doesn't exist but
what was he thinking from his robot chair idk he calls it his greatest
blunder and i can sympathize i said life is like a game of chess i said
do you know how to play chess because i think most people have an
understanding of chess but don't really play it but say they know chess
and she was angry and i said that life was a stale mate because we die
we know we die and there is no way for us to win but this doesn't make
me sad though it does but it makes me angry it does make me sad
i just get so confused when i want to hate god and not believe in god
at the same time who can i hate. nobody. nothing. money. white men,
like me i mean not me but i am, god white man money nothing nobody
etc. like this title i mean i regret titling this title of this poem w this title
haha a poem? but this title is from a thing that was a poem that has nothing
to do with this poem maybe? w/ this poem mb. when i was 6 in a mall
in south florida i told my brother i prefer when girls wear thong bikinis
because i like to see their butts but i don't really know where that even came
from I'm not sure how many butts i had actually seen i mean this was before
the internet and long before my family had the money for a computer
that could use the internet i saw porn for the first time when i was in the 4th grade
i remember seeing porn in 4th grade and being amazed at the window to sex
at such a young age i was going thru puberty and masturbating the summer
after 4th grade it was so strange being tall and hairy and my voice changing
i thought i was bad i thought i was sinning when i touched myself
i slept w a bible under my pillow because my parents let me be raised by
insane people in churches and punishment and fear….. 

a meditation

it is 2 past noon
a cat on my lap
nearly 30 lbs
i should know i feed it
drinking coffee from the back of the mug
near the handle
i think that i prefer it this way
lick drips sliding down the outsides
i miss the rain
read the last page of a book before i read the first
except w ones i intend to be surprised by
or am i
a fisherman
black     what was it, the noise?
purring kitty in my lap
sleeping girlfriend 
4 past noon
know its cold outside
wonder how cold is it?
cold 
lick the drips wipe my mustache
or who
where can a question be
when we wish to remove our own face
say "I HAVE A SWORD AND IT IS NOT MINE BUT I HAVE IT
UNSHEATHED IN THE CORNER OF THE DINING ROOM"
my grandfather died
and when i say my grandfather i mean the one i spoke to
not the one who had his legs removed
i don't know
who he is
and dead and made my father cry
i don't speak to 
him
the cat is purring and i pay much attention to its head
keeping it propped up w my right arm as  type a poem
my lower left back is hurting 
drink coffee
listen to cars drive by

wait

was told i have good ankles
and pose
as a saltlic
i am here in this warm house waiting
you text me abt it being so cold
and it is cute
at some point in the recent past
humans decided that fire places
are not needed
i was going to write "i want to wrap
myself in expensive cheese
& kiss you"
but i mean how did disney add music
to poor people
and all of the sudden we dance
the cat is meowing or making some sound
im not sure where most of the things
i used to own now are
i like to remind myself of very little
but