29 January 2014

everyone is sad everyone in the world

up all night on vyvanse and klonopin drinking too much jameson
smoking inside because the roommate who doesn't smoke is in omaha
started smoking again people ask if i lost weight i say yes
even though its coming back i say the winter does this i am sad
talking to my psych teacher in high school abt how i am sad
always looking for a father never finding one show my football coach
a pic of my gf say see aren't you proud of me isn't she beautiful i am
not a failure i am not a drunk or a terrible father alone in a trailer
somewhere south of valentine killing myself dying my grey hair blonde
wearing all white low top chuck taylors hello father in tennessee for
no good reason but fear i asked that girlfriend i was so proud of if i could
practice taking her bra off and she said no and i asked her if we would
ever have sex and she said she wanted to wait til she was married and
i asked if we would ever get married and she said no so we dated for
another year. but there i was on too much of things at 3 or 4 or 5 am
and my mind goes to a black hole that hawking says doesn't exist but
what was he thinking from his robot chair idk he calls it his greatest
blunder and i can sympathize i said life is like a game of chess i said
do you know how to play chess because i think most people have an
understanding of chess but don't really play it but say they know chess
and she was angry and i said that life was a stale mate because we die
we know we die and there is no way for us to win but this doesn't make
me sad though it does but it makes me angry it does make me sad
i just get so confused when i want to hate god and not believe in god
at the same time who can i hate. nobody. nothing. money. white men,
like me i mean not me but i am, god white man money nothing nobody
etc. like this title i mean i regret titling this title of this poem w this title
haha a poem? but this title is from a thing that was a poem that has nothing
to do with this poem maybe? w/ this poem mb. when i was 6 in a mall
in south florida i told my brother i prefer when girls wear thong bikinis
because i like to see their butts but i don't really know where that even came
from I'm not sure how many butts i had actually seen i mean this was before
the internet and long before my family had the money for a computer
that could use the internet i saw porn for the first time when i was in the 4th grade
i remember seeing porn in 4th grade and being amazed at the window to sex
at such a young age i was going thru puberty and masturbating the summer
after 4th grade it was so strange being tall and hairy and my voice changing
i thought i was bad i thought i was sinning when i touched myself
i slept w a bible under my pillow because my parents let me be raised by
insane people in churches and punishment and fear….. 

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