LONG HAIR

 in summer writing a summer poem
it's hot is easy
it's nice to talk about weather
we can all agree
sometimes
about humidity
about hell
about how it's scary to die or not scary at all
but no one dies in summer
at least not me
at least not yet
Jeff said he hates smoking in summer
all my friends want to quit smoking
but i want to quit quitting
quit nothing
not knowing
all of my friends with stomach aches in their lungs
and me, my brain in my chest breaking
blind as a boy dreaming
i used to wear glasses to look like my brother
but now i need glasses to see
anything
i cracked a rib the other day
i was bowling
i feel like a turd
all i do is throw up and cry all day
was something tweeted
or i remember it as me alone in a bathroom
with a shit smell in the air
this is not my bathroom
this is not my house
i have no where to go i guess
my dad is maybe insane
he calls me every day crying or at least
when i am curious enough to check
a voicemail
i blocked his phone number
i am wilting
i quit smoking in February and started again
a week before my birthday
i am afraid of being alone in front of everyone
with no object to ritually burn in my mouth
and fire and furnace
add magma add lava
pour me down the side of a mountain
makes more mountain
or i am taller than dead me or baby me
but not much more mass than the idea
of my life
blinking
i can shout or hear my bones weeping
about all this heavy lifting
i am inging or slow syrup slop
just saying words a lot
just saying things that sound like things
not saying
not shouting
i wrote a poem and wrote a poem and wrote a poem
cold pointless poem
on paper or on blog or on hand or in head
i am just a wound
a wound up toy that stops walking one day
or winds and winds and winds
until you break off a piece of me
my scalp
me crying during Dances W/ Wolves
when the scalped man screams
don't you hurt my mules
love isn't a boulder
or a beautiful ass
like my ass in these jeans
i am shaking
it is cold
we are running the air conditioner in May
i was born
a long time ago
or a tick-tock ago
came raging into a world
that wasn't ready for me to destroy it
i am guessing here
pulling out straws from my straw arms and legs
opening each nostril one after the other
to breathe in the sun or the moon
or whatever you tell me to do
i can stand here
i can climb a flag pole
i can build a building and hide in your metropolis
but i am sitting
in the middle of a field
but i am
an animal
but i am not Mr. Flawless
and hello hello
i would like to be a smiling face
or bright sun beam making grapes grow
or skin grow over its openings
blood pools where you push
i can sit still
for zero time
i am waiting to stop moving
expansion is inside of my skully
i stare and stare and stare into mirrors
hoping i can see a kid
that runs around
not giving a fuck about what i am wearing
or where i am going
or when the world will end