recipe recipe recipe tot

i feel as though i have no creativity. i feel like everything i do is a cop out of something greater. not greater as in awesomely sweet, but greater as in more. i always stop. not like stop because i quit, or stop because im tired or bored, but stop because im empty. out of gas. broke. deadish. the right side of my throat hurts pretty bad. i hope it isnt the onset of the plague. or a cold. or sinus thing. i hate being sick. i hope im not sick. everything i do is half ass. i know its half ass when im doing it but there is this strange (er... not so strange, thats not really the right word) but there is this THING inside of me that keeps me from doing things. i think to myself, i should do this, and then i just dont do it. i don't know if im afraid of something or whatever it is but i sort of zone out and forget things and dont do things when i know im supposed to do them. like get a job. where the fuck is my motivation to get a job. i think i actually thought (eh) that a job would fall into my lap once i got my lame ass degree. the dui really doesnt help in the job hunt, but neither does me being unfriendly, and whatever else i am. i mean, im not actually unfriendly, im just uncomfortable. all the time. i think im pretty damn friendly actually. maybe thats not true. i dont know. sometimes i think pretty highly of myself and then there are times where i think im a big dick.