point north

i might as well sleep myself to wake
or drown in your grandmas brain lake
take my time forgetting
how i can be a laugh
how this splashing has nothing to do with skill
my broken nose exploding with snow
my heart racing a trillion thuds
my mouth making sounds out of air
i drew picrures of you shouting at me
i kissed the mirror
bleeding small dots from my lazy shave
i cant find the time to stop poisoning myself
i cant find myself under all this face
my teeth were knocked out of my skull
i feel ugly
since i was 12
all i do is worry about what people think of me
like my father
or girls that dont even actually think about my jaws
my fat thighs
broken nose and ribs
receding hair line
i am 27 years old
i am afraid of ropes and shot guns
i pay bills when i forget to drink
this poem isnt about me
this poem is letting my brain write it
and i wonder why
my brain thinks i have to be so sad all the time
or it doesnt even think
it just lights up
space at night
chicago
i said i never get lost
i said i always know where i am
but when i was looking for union station drunk monday night
i was scared i would never get home