this was an attempt at two things, one to post garbage i write on the internet in hopes of some sort of comment/critique/etc and to do other things that im not really sure about but mostly have to do with the fact that i------- nevermind. i realize that i havent really been a good person for quite a long time. i thought i was gradually fixing that recently but i still do things that are in question i suppose and i still feel like there is this circle and i am not in this circle. i know enough people and i am vaguely friends with some of them but the people i feel the closest to i dont really see that. it seems like there is some amount of time that anyone can spend with certain people before they feel like they have had their share and need something else. not just in romantic jargon but in the idea of all around companionship. i guess im bad at that. i dont know what it is. i think about this all the time though and dont really know how to bring it up but i dont feel like keeping it in. i assume nobody really reads this anyway so its not a big deal and most people who would think this is an attempt to make people feel bad or sorry wont read it and wont feel like that because thats not what i want. i dont want anyone to feel bad or feel sorry. i just want to figure out what im doing wrong. why i dont really have any friends in a certain sense of the word. 1 thing is that i think i am easily forgettable. 2 things is that i am a pushover. 3 things is that years of being forgettable and a pushover have caused me to be bitter. 4. being bitter makes me tend to be an asshole. 5. being an asshole causes people to not like to be around me and i can use the defense of saying i dont like people anyway so i dont feel bad that nobody really likes me. but now im just making myself feel bad. i do that sometimes until i feel so bad that i start feeling stupid for feeling bad and i work my way back out of it. i dont know why i started doing that but i always have. so no i realize i have friends. i have some pretty good friends. the problem is that they all have friends too, friends that are friendlier than i am. 6. im a very shy person and i have very little confidence in myself. when i try to exude confidence i generally do something really stupid and make an ass of myself and possibly hurt someone i care about etc. 7. once i start talking its hard for me to stop. i generally dont think about what im saying until its too late. this is just a rant because im very lonely right now. not sad boo hoo lonely. not really romantically lonely, but just lonely that i dont really get to see or talk to people that often unless i go out of my way to find someone who doesnt really care if im around or not. so if someone reads this dont think aww justins lonely, and dont think justin is feeling sorry for himself and being stupid. they both might be true but mostly im just getting this out of my head because its been in there for the last couple years. i cant even really think of anyone i have really talked to about a lot of things. i guess not really a lot of things. probably as many things as most people have.