update on the elbow

i still cant feel part of it.
i wonder what happened.

i have a goal this week starting today. right now. for one week i will not get into an argument about anything. i will not insult anyone. and i will not say i hate or dislike anyone. for one week. starting right now, 6:58 pm thursday... august... umm... 28? yeah 28.

this is a personal goal to ween myself off of being a bitter asshole. which i know i may or may not be from time to time.

i cant feel part of my elbow. im not sure if this is from sitting at this desk in the library for too long or if it has been an ongoing thing. obviously it could just be the desk, but i dont really rest my elbows when im typing or browsing and i have somewhat decent posture at the computer. im not sure. these things. i still cant feel the right side of my left knee from when i crashed mid june. which i was completely sober at the time, just hit some wet pavement etc. i wonder how much more of me will be completely numb in the next decade. often i sit on the toilet playing hearts and or solitaire until my butt cheeks go numb. anthony tells me this is not good for my colon but i still do it.

since wes has been gone i have been sleeping on the floor in the living room with all the windows open and the ac off. i really like the idea of living alone.

sometimes i hear lyrics better than other times

I have lightning
If the stars dry out to guide me
I have soft clay
To knit my bones astride
What a miracle they say
Dark clouds gather
Velvet holes
Gaping wide oh
And they pour it down
And they sing to me
Of wonders
Unseen
Like clouds that rise
From the sea, oh
And I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
That I missed the point
Of this pageantry
But I'm grateful
That you love me

shallow souls silo sift
milky west foam

easy to walk on waters
slippery 'not so solid' silty rock

'nt never raised one hand
from the dead

who smellin' of sulfur
'n tellin' me lies of

what comin' round those tracks

one ear down
to the iron
(for years and years on repeatin')

not a damn sound
(for ever and ever 'men)

i like wearing my red shorts. its enjoyable to be a person that people look at and are omg look at those tiny red shorts. im not a fan of long shorts. like my tiny red ones. i like my legs. i dont think theres really anything special about them but i enjoy them. sometimes- wait hold on

sometimes i enjoy running in to people i know and chatting. although i dont really like chatting. i do. i kind of do. it makes me feel thought about maybe. remembered. i wonder if thats really important. my main goal in life is for... oh never mind.

sure am- or once had
to be a bison
but not a buffa-
long so many
train rides i dont really
take but should
eventually i
might stampede or just
shout past the horns
and the hairy hairy
backs of dakota
not nearly a place to
raise
not even a voice
but whimper land-
ho for hours and hours
at the tops of topped
off lungs i bellow
as only a bison
would roam if it
couldnt go home

Would that the structure brave, the manifold music I build,
Bidding my organ obey, calling its keys to their work,
Claiming each slave of the sound, at a touch, as when Solomon willed
Armies of angels that soar, legions of demons that lurk,
Man, brute, reptile, fly,--alien of end and of aim,
Adverse, each from the other heaven-high, hell-deep removed,--
Should rush into sight at once as he named the ineffable Name,
And pile him a palace straight, to pleasure the princess he loved!

Would it might tarry like his, the beautiful building of mine,
This which my keys in a crowd pressed and importuned to raise!
Ah, one and all, how they helped, would dispart now and now combine,
Zealous to hasten the work, heighten their master his praise!
And one would bury his brow with a blind plunge down to hell,
Burrow awhile and build, broad on the roots of things,
Then up again swim into sight, having based me my palace well,
Founded it, fearless of flame, flat on the nether springs.

And another would mount and march, like the excellent minion he was,
Ay, another and yet another, one crowd but with many a crest,
Raising my rampired walls of gold as transparent as glass,
Eager to do and die, yield each his place to the rest:
For higher still and higher (as a runner tips with fire,
When a great illumination surprises a festal night--
Outlining round and round Rome's dome from space to spire)
Up, the pinnacled glory reached, and the pride of my soul was in sight.

In sight? Not half! for it seemed, it was certain, to match man's birth,
Nature in turn conceived, obeying an impulse as I;
And the emulous heaven yearned down, made effort to reach the earth,
As the earth had done her best, in my passion, to scale the sky:
Novel splendours burst forth, grew familiar and dwelt with mine,
Not a point nor peak but found and fixed its wandering star;
Meteor-moons, balls of blaze: and they did not pale nor pine,
For earth had attained to heaven, there was no more near nor far.

Nay more; for there wanted not who walked in the glare and glow,
Presences plain in the place; or, fresh from the Protoplast,
Furnished for ages to come, when a kindlier wind should blow,
Lured now to begin and live, in a house to their liking at last;
Or else the wonderful Dead who have passed through the body and gone,
But were back once more to breathe in an old world worth their new:
What never had been, was now; what was, as it shall be anon;
And what is,--shall I say, matched both? for I was made perfect too.

All through my keys that gave their sounds to a wish of my soul,
All through my soul that praised as its wish flowed visibly forth,
All through music and me! For think, had I painted the whole,
Why, there it had stood, to see, nor the process so wonder-worth:
Had I written the same, made verse--still, effect proceeds from cause,
Ye know why the forms are fair, ye hear how the tale is told;
It is all triumphant art, but art in obedience to laws,
Painter and poet are proud in the artist-list enrolled:--

But here is the finger of God, a flash of the will that can,
Existent behind all laws, that made them and, lo, they are!
And I know not if, save in this, such gift be allowed to man,
That out of three sounds he frame, not a fourth sound, but a star.
Consider it well: each tone of our scale in itself is nought;
It is everywhere in the world--loud, soft, and all is said:
Give it to me to use! I mix it with two in my thought:
And, there! Ye have heard and seen: consider and bow the head!

Well, it is gone at last, the palace of music I reared;
Gone! and the good tears start, the praises that come too slow;
For one is assured at first, one scarce can say that he feared,
That he even gave it a thought, the gone thing was to go.
Never to be again! But many more of the kind
As good, nay, better, perchance: is this your comfort to me?
To me, who must be saved because I cling with my mind
To the same, same self, same love, same God: ay, what was, shall be.

Therefore to whom turn I but to thee, the ineffable Name?
Builder and maker, thou, of houses not made with hands!
What, have fear of change from thee who art ever the same?
Doubt that thy power can fill the heart that thy power expands?
There shall never be one lost good! What was, shall live as before;
The evil is null, is nought, is silence implying sound;
What was good shall be good, with, for evil, so much good more;
On the earth the broken arcs; in the heaven, a perfect round.

All we have willed or hoped or dreamed of good shall exist;
Not its semblance, but itself; no beauty, nor good, nor power
Whose voice has gone forth, but each survives for the melodist
When eternity affirms the conception of an hour.
The high that proved too high, the heroic for earth too hard,
The passion that left the ground to lose itself in the sky,
Are music sent up to God by the lover and the bard;
Enough that he heard it once: we shall hear it by and by.

And what is our failure here but a triumph's evidence
For the fulness of the days? Have we withered or agonized?
Why else was the pause prolonged but that singing might issue thence?
Why rushed the discords in, but that harmony should be prized?
Sorrow is hard to bear, and doubt is slow to clear,
Each sufferer says his say, his scheme of the weal and woe:
But God has a few of us whom he whispers in the ear;
The rest may reason and welcome; 'tis we musicians know.

Well, it is earth with me; silence resumes her reign:
I will be patient and proud, and soberly acquiesce.
Give me the keys. I feel for the common chord again,
Sliding by semitones till I sink to the minor,--yes,
And I blunt it into a ninth, and I stand on alien ground,
Surveying awhile the heights I rolled from into the deep;
Which, hark, I have dared and done, for my resting-place is found,
The C Major of this life: so, now I will try to sleep.

oh and my dad has my email address now. we'll see how this works out.

and my aunt died. i dont know why.

i have made some mistakes. i think in wrong directions and dont-- well. there are things - and then there are things. i am dealing with the latter. i bought a new pair of pants. very tight. jc penny (umm whats it called) the place where you have cows. cows. i dunno. they are cow hand jeans. or some sort of pant. the my morning jacket show was pretty good. i had a really good time. too bad drinks were 6 dollars a pop. and too bad i didnt mind spending that much. and by pop i dont mean soda although there was way too much soda in the drinks so i switched to 5 dollar red stripes, which in the end was a better deal than 6 dollars for a shot and a can of pepsi. these two guys i had a class with (beat poets and such) well i started this the wrong way, i saw these two guys and approached them in between songs and talked to them for a brief moment about our class and what have you. i felt like a dumb drunk person so i walked off. after the concert they came up to our car and invited me to come to their apt above the antiquarium when ever i was in omaha again. pretty interesting. i dont recall the last time i was ever invited to hang out with anyone based on an initial meeting. maybe my

heres a good question.

why was christian laettner on the dream team?



im sitting next to these two girls in the library who are awkwardly working on a group project together and they keep awkwardly laughing at things the other one says and its making me awkward.

heres a good question.

why was christian laettner on the dream team?



im sitting next to these two girls in the library who are awkwardly working on a group project together and they keep awkwardly laughing at things the other one says and its making me awkward.

so i have been having all these thoughts on ideas of things that i think about/about disappearing with no trace or maybe traces but tricky traces. there are things like getting a new phone number and not really telling anyone what it is. changing names or changing names. im making this sound stupid so it sounds stupid. when i say i might change my name it seems the common reaction is that its a stupid idea. i dont see why. why should i feel confined to the person i am based on a name that was given to me before i could argue for something else. and the last name. family ties really dont seem all that important to anyone in my family on a surface level so why would a name as the most surface of surfaces be important. that people know i am related to my uncle bill or that i kind of look like uncle rick. his name is rick. i think. see i really dont know my own family that well. i was asked to go to a wedding for a cousin that i have no idea what his name is. ben i think. ben is not a good name, i would change it. then there is grad school which i assume i might actually go to eventually. i was thinking of getting in and not actually telling anyone and then moving. with my new name and new phone number unlisted i would virtually disappear i think. that would be pretty fascinating. but again there are people who would just say thats stupid. some people might say because so many say its stupid that its cool in some romantic disappearing act bull crap. i dont know. i just think its a good idea. but then again i rarely have good ideas especially the ideas that come to fruition, or technically never come to fruition but maybe do. hmm. the thing with the name changing is that i dont know if i want to be in full control of my name because that employs too much inward ego narcisisism and the like. plus i dont want to take up one of the many kewl names that i would like to name all of my children, some 15 bastardized mini me's.

i may or may not have deleted almost all the phone numbers from my phone whilst drunk the other night.

i really dont like blogging

places of uninterest

the isles (pub) or whatever. terrible bar. average food. overpriced beer. we stopped there after bike church yesterday and i had breaded mushrooms which were your average breaded mushrooms, not too bad, not too overpriced, that wasnt the issue. the issue was the beer pricing. all domestics, no matter bottle or can, are THREE DOLLARS A PIECE. so if you get a can (or two) of PBR they will cost you 3 dollars a pop. THREE DOLLARS FOR A CAN OF PBR. im glad i only had two but still, 6 dollars for two pbrs. you can get a 12 pack of pbrs for 6 dollars. GIVE ME A BREAK HAVELOCK. also in that same vein, i went to EL TORO recently, same place as all those other mexican restaurants in lincoln, le mexicana, mazatlan, and the other one which i forget. anyway, i like the food and everything, and the margaritas but i was charged (once again) THREE DOLLARS FOR A SIDE OF GUAC. THREE DOLLARS FOR A SIDE OF SAUCE THAT I JUST WANTED A LITTLE BIT ON MY BURRITO. good grief.

kuzma is king

this party, this poetry shindig, was arguably argue..eablybly- the greatest party i have ever been to. i spent most of the time talking to bob. bob is from norfolk and im not sure how old he is exactly but he seemed fairly old. went to college in the 60s i think. forgot which college. wayne i think. anyway bob (who is rumored to have met his wife at an orgy, which is not actually true) and i talked for a fairly long time about life, drugs, education, writing, and religion. kyle got his phone number because kyle is lucifer. this became more and more apparent over the course of the night. anyway back to bob. bobs wife barb(ara) who sounds like a fart if you dont say it all out was a pseudo understudy to allen ginsburg at the naropa b.s. academy. anyway though back to bob. bob talked about going to california and india and how he cant remember music that he listened to, but does remember the first time he smoked a joint and how that changed his life. he saw chairs and he knew music intimately, sort of like meeting his wife at an orgy which wasnt true but believed by many to be so. all the while i was consuming massive amounts of fancy beers. particularly this one called samuel smiths organic lager or ale or something. nice beer. had some others too. went inside a few times, quite a few, but never stayed very long. ate many aurerderves. derves. or. the spring rolls were pretty awesome. and the cheese. J.R. (not me) we ate a lot of cheese together and talked about the "man". this was after bob left. J.R. lives down the road and is divorced. anyway back to bob. bob had some really intense eyes and we stared at each other the entire time we talked. it was one of the better conversations ive had in awhile and it felt good. mostly i talked about the main things i think about and bob sifted through it with his worldly knowledge that i am trying to gain. i feel like the more i talk about the same things over and over again that eventually i will figure something out and change what im talking about, maybe learn something. so i try not to talk about anything knew until ive figured this stuff out. its going to take awhile but bob helped. i wonder if he thinks bob sounds like a fart the way barb does. barb and bob. barb is taller than bob. bob seems like a greatful dead sort of guy but im not so sure thats true. new paragraph.

i moderately enjoyed the first few readers to a point. this has to do with the fact that i was pretty drunk at the time and feel the need to like more poetry. i think the key is to like as much poetry as you can until you hate poetry and then hate as much poetry as you can so you can figure out what you actually do like and what you pretend to like so people think youre with it.

our table was covered in beer bottles. it was pretty obvious where we sat because there were roughly 30+ bottles on our table and a number of cigarette butts. kuz told us that he was going to ban smoking but he changed his mind when we showed up. the spring rolls were great. im trying to think what else was great. the guac was great. the cheese. i really really liked the cheese. it was smoked something, that J.R. and i ate a lot of together while talking about movies. Q.T. and star wars and anime. i started talking about miyazaki to a bunch of old men. cartoons you know. one girl asked me what my boba fett tattoo was and i told her boba fett and she said what the hell is that and i said star wars and she said she had never seen it. a guy who i assume was her husband knew though. he knew and i could see something going on there. she said she didnt have time to watch movies but that she had seen the exorcist roughly 30 times. maybe 40. i said you had time to watch the exorcist 40 times, maybe 30, and you dont have time to watch star wars. she was called on her bluff of being too intellectual to watch movies. J.R. and i went off on movies and cheese here. bob was gone.

the beer ran out about 9ish and kyle and kuz went on a beer run. eventually we ended up taking all the beer that they bought and putting it in kyles trunk. this is the end of the party so i might have to go back. but i wont. thats pretty much it.

there was kooser, kuz, bob, a dog, some people from ireland, a man from wayne, some more people, some doctors who were poets, some poets who were doctors, some great food and beer, some more beer, some sneaking, some bathrooms, some smoking, a lot of smoking, a lot of beer, a man with sage, a man with sage advice, a man with a hat, several men with hats, another kooser, eventually no kooser, more beer, less beer, then more beer. there was some reading and a band. kyle did not like either. it was arguably the greatest party i have ever been to. i would say. i read bob one of my poems. the poem about ants. i read him the added on ending that i dont think i have written and know i havent read to anyone or really shown to anyone. i liked it a lot after i read it to him though. it was called ants and i read it to him because he was talking about how he followed an ant for 45 minutes while it carried a bead or piece of something down his driveway. that was bob.

i cant remember if ive actually written about people in cars yelling at anyone and im too lazy to look. lazy lazy. but it does happen far too often. why? ive even had the priv... umm. well i was in a car and someone in the car yelled at another car and that car pulled up behind the car i was in and the guy got out and came up and tried to punch into the car. now, im pretty against yelling to begin with unless its for comedic value. anyway, why do people in cars feel the need to yell at walkers and bikers. that wasnt really a question. it was. but anyway, i was not yelled at but spoken to from bike to bike last night and i was too drunk and various other emotions to calculate the weight of these words until i was too far away to do anything about them. it was all pretty silly.

im listening to the new RZA (the raza) album called digi snacks

i i i i have... this d... that... (and i think) where there is nobody watching i can just eat away at (and i think) and then i feel this way and tell myself this other thing that isn't really true but is because what i thought before wasn't actually true and is. so i feel this now. (so i think). and there are all these gaps in my head that don't really allow me to let go of the things that i thought we're this way but are actually that way. the funny thing is that (and i think) if anyone actually read this i know, it doesn't really make much sense, but (i don't think) anyone actually knows what i really am talking about but might assume they know because i am a redundant redundant redundant never gets tired always gets old forget about it. but this isn't even what i think it is. it's growing.

i am in collegiate purgatory. or. something. i feel the longer i sit here and purgator the more and more my brain will rot away into a (supposedly neon green) supposedly redundant. there is no point to any of this really. i just crave attention really. i guess. im probably going to delete this soon.

holy smokes

i need to change my phone plan so i stop paying for a thing i dont use.

this was an attempt at two things, one to post garbage i write on the internet in hopes of some sort of comment/critique/etc and to do other things that im not really sure about but mostly have to do with the fact that i------- nevermind. i realize that i havent really been a good person for quite a long time. i thought i was gradually fixing that recently but i still do things that are in question i suppose and i still feel like there is this circle and i am not in this circle. i know enough people and i am vaguely friends with some of them but the people i feel the closest to i dont really see that. it seems like there is some amount of time that anyone can spend with certain people before they feel like they have had their share and need something else. not just in romantic jargon but in the idea of all around companionship. i guess im bad at that. i dont know what it is. i think about this all the time though and dont really know how to bring it up but i dont feel like keeping it in. i assume nobody really reads this anyway so its not a big deal and most people who would think this is an attempt to make people feel bad or sorry wont read it and wont feel like that because thats not what i want. i dont want anyone to feel bad or feel sorry. i just want to figure out what im doing wrong. why i dont really have any friends in a certain sense of the word. 1 thing is that i think i am easily forgettable. 2 things is that i am a pushover. 3 things is that years of being forgettable and a pushover have caused me to be bitter. 4. being bitter makes me tend to be an asshole. 5. being an asshole causes people to not like to be around me and i can use the defense of saying i dont like people anyway so i dont feel bad that nobody really likes me. but now im just making myself feel bad. i do that sometimes until i feel so bad that i start feeling stupid for feeling bad and i work my way back out of it. i dont know why i started doing that but i always have. so no i realize i have friends. i have some pretty good friends. the problem is that they all have friends too, friends that are friendlier than i am. 6. im a very shy person and i have very little confidence in myself. when i try to exude confidence i generally do something really stupid and make an ass of myself and possibly hurt someone i care about etc. 7. once i start talking its hard for me to stop. i generally dont think about what im saying until its too late. this is just a rant because im very lonely right now. not sad boo hoo lonely. not really romantically lonely, but just lonely that i dont really get to see or talk to people that often unless i go out of my way to find someone who doesnt really care if im around or not. so if someone reads this dont think aww justins lonely, and dont think justin is feeling sorry for himself and being stupid. they both might be true but mostly im just getting this out of my head because its been in there for the last couple years. i cant even really think of anyone i have really talked to about a lot of things. i guess not really a lot of things. probably as many things as most people have.

back log

the strength of the drink or
quieting stampede
i believe in sandy hills
hidden by history and laughter
raucous in rye
arcane cactus speaking for me
knowing god and all the sky on fire
how every inch of it is between
the souls of my feet
though i am nothing
in weight
but a spring lying by slow gait
over ground that has layered
dust upon all the fallen

____________________________

cold war-

mth
maybe august
for all of
it/s humidity
finding
a drawn out sommer/s
hands being cleaned
by the blood of billions
of bouncing bison
who saw that happened
from one end of the plain
to the far reaching
black hills but
never spoke up over
the chugging trains
and hapless aim

_________________________

some of these are private.
they are crap.
_________________________

ants

you decide that they
vanish
its partially true
we arent sure where
they go but you say
they just go home

trying to dwindle down my portfolio thing to 10

new york (state)

oh god

where the buffalo roam

and remind me

again and again

how bruce

smith never won

a super—

bowl

no relation

i always thought

my grandpa smith

was from cuba

like the missile

crisis

_________________________

newfoundland

caught myself peeking

ov'r the green—

shadows of ancient

american wars

perhaps a viking or two

once found something

here worth loving

and it becomes

a sinister issue—

where i don't know

how i'm going to tell you

not to dream this

tonight

_________________________

a snow

we were questioning the snow

of its cold

with our faces planted

firmly to the ground

legs up in the air

being dangled by moon

and its arms of tree shadows

you still new me then

when my face was a blue jay

pecking through the nests

of children

and in the freezing depths

of a worthless february

___________________________

titled

over the great plains of your back

roaming bison avoid railroads

in a sense of the plague that

moses never dreamed of despite all the burning

bushes and golden calves he could find

in forty years of searching out there

in the wild of a woman’s body

__________________________________

spring conversation

there are pieces of it over

there on the ground

where

by the tree

the cottonwood by the shed

yes

how did they get there

i don't know

why are you telling me this

because it's getting late and

you wont be able to see them soon

don't tell me that

it's getting dark

i'm getting the axe—

go inside

__________________________________

r and r

erno rolled

down the passenger window

lit his cigarillo

in impatience

reminding us it was november

everything turning colors

and shapes

i kept my mouth shut

a square in my own right

pulled my collar up to my neck

puzzles were

twisting through my head—

candy cane arm bars

two red lights—two read lights

i've been here before

he told me how

his mom used to write poetry

and i said that i can't stop changing

run through it he demanded

nothing is coming

___________________________________

the evolution of panda thumbs—

i.e. the bone that projects—

a branch a broom stick that witch

may swing soullessly through

a field of emptiness no

the eye of one great

white and black bear—

whale all at once wash across

the eternal night ocean

to here to bay to wave

a magical piece or tool

in an up signaling style saying—

good job muhammagod but

in my late days— o’ designer of clocks

where is my gold watch

to fade away with time beneath

the shadows of bamboo

stalking high over my windless sleep

so that i may go on forever

in bed with the unzoo’d forest floors

until my day comes when

i must rise

_____________________________________

summer searching

walking

it was night out

but the summer never really

seems all that dark

i pointed at a star

knowing it was actually venus

and told you

how you can see light

long after

the source dies

nothing else was said

the entire way

_________________________________

venom dots

i notice where

there were once

bald spots on my legs

patches of skin rare to find—

now hair grows

i wonder what

i've been doing different

in my life and assume

i've quit lying—

seven spider bites

pattern up my left leg

i count them

scratching all the while

as if i knew they had always been there

to connect—

i see everything

about myself

laying out on the driveway

beneath the motion sensor lamp

four am nude in june

___________________________

haiku two

a voice coming from each of your false teeth

it's true

you stare at the television set for hours and hours

at close range

and go blind

__________________________

an orange

for carlin

forge an idea

to sit on

sounds as though

it may be

a delicious one

but isn't

he would say

things

and i can't find

the means to dis—

agree

your nose

is a telescope

means everything

to me

and i suppose that

is why

_________________________

(twelve) a natural progression

for—

wasp just wouldn/t leave

the wasp wouldn/t leave just

would—not

i/m choking—i/m choking

i/m going to the grand canyon

this is bad for you

don/t go where i can/t follow

illegally climb fences

irresponsibly mending

and it leaves

it leaves

i believe

you

killing the grass—

breathing in the smoke

i forgive everyone

when i am invisible

i forgive

everyone for everything

and the leaving

the leaving

the leaves

the mending and the

wasp

naked and georgia

forgetting the canyons

i once saw

spend not enough time

explaining why

i feel so much

and eternity is inside

possibly in winter

i will show you

but nothing dies anymore

___________________________

midwest-voodoo-physics-pentameter

for jeff

never ending

sky

not so much the bison

both can be

killed to borderline extinction

i

drive faster the further

things grow apart

between potter/dix

in back country where

the rain is only a wall

that never seems to fill up

this dry bed

who can sleep

when there's no wind break

and the howling is

mistaken for hungry coyotes

nipping at

your feet all

because there are

no more

bison to kill

______________________

circles

burdens don’t mean

they are soft in ghost weight

and spill everything

into buckets of shoulders

storing rain

of the seasons that aren’t

meaning to be

burdens

buzzing ashes take note

to ears and flaps

and underwater speaking

to a game not played

playing it over

between a death

and a death

before swimming takes

reason underneath

all the want and distraction

of where weeds go

to pull themselves

and the spinning earths

eat it up like it’s

nothing

and then it is nothing

________________________

spicer

that marvelous finger

he gave it

after being asked

to take back

comments made on ted

williams' contribution

to the bosox

i was there

he said i was there

when he gave it

but it wasn't worth

a goddamn thing

if you want to win the pennant

and my poetry

does

yesterday i bought a study guide for the gre and plan to take it sometime late august. i got about 50 pages in or so through the study guide and became impatient and decided to test how well i would do on the "easy" verbal test. i missed 5 out of 20. :/

however 3 of those were because i forgot that i was supposed to look for antonyms on certain questions and not synonyms so i dont feel so bad about it.

one word i had no idea what it meant, although i thought i did, was centrifuge. its... like something that is used to separate two things. anyway thats not what im going to ... wait... ok so in order to help expand my vocab i am going to 1. read through this synonym dictionary that i have that has lots of lesser known words in it. its actually pretty cool, i looked through it the other day. overall im not too concerned with the math because, eh, im not concerned. im pretty decent at math, especially when it comes to logic type hooha so im going to focus more on my vocab. but still study math. since... i really havent pushed my brain in the realms of mathamatics in quite some time.

ANYWAY HERE ARE... SOME WORDS... HMM.. hmm im going to look up some words. these are from site that has 100 words you should know for some reason.

acquiesce - VERB - to agree without protesting
alaracity - NOUN - eagerness, speed
arcane - ADJECTIVE - secret, obscure
avarice - NOUN - excessive greed
brusque - ADJECTIVE - short, abrupt
candor - NOUN - honesty, frankness
chide - VERB - to voice disapproval
clandestine - ADJECTIVE - secret
connive - VERB - to plot, scheme
decry - VERB - to criticize openly
demure - ADJECTIVE - quietly, modest, reserved
despot - NOUN - one who had total power and rules brutally
erudite - ADJECTIVE - learned
extol - VERB - to praise
impudent - ADJECTIVE - casually rude, insolent, impertinent
indolent - ADJECTIVE - lazy
insular - ADJECTIVE - tight knit, separated and narrow-minded

Kessler/Myspace/Famous Poets

MINE

hey sucka canadians where eva u r

show starts at 6pm opening bands juliana theory molina and the good life foollos by feist. free. pretty exciting. i think i might go see wall-e. im gonna see if anthony or kyle wants to go. i need a new bike.

i might regret saying this but hellboy 2 looks pretty sweet

feist

granted im not nearly as over-the-top-in-love-with-feist as i was a few months ago, im still pretty excited about the idea of seeing her perform in july. i actually just found out about this the other day sort of when i heard someone mention a free feist concert and i looked it up today-july12memorialparkthing-and so thats in... 2 weeks. i hope somebody wants to go.

seven

speak like disease for the drinking you didn't do but caused i forget every time you could lay that hand on my mouth forgetting swear from curse i deliberately find the time to ignore a decade of war known as the holy known for all that is blood and water and wine

colorado

im not sure if babylon has anything to due to the book that im read— a plane flew over the midwest and i spoke of some seeds that never knew if they could become the forest i thought when i once saw the far—far west round a crater or too— and the gasoline cloud let it all out

im considering buying these mainly because they are on sale for 31 dollars. i cant imagine finding decent shoes for 31 dollars too often. i just dont know about the style. i pay way too much attention to peoples shoes and im not sure if other people do too. i just dont know what shoes i can pull off and often feel uncomfortable in different shoes than the ones im used to wearing.

religulous

to be honest i think this looks pretty great, but mostly haha funny and maybe not that informative or whatever. i think it will be good but its obviously going to rile up a lot of people. maybe not as much as the divinci code... for whatever reason. i wish this could come out the same time as ben steins ridiculous movie.

http://disbeliefnet.com/

i havent looked at this site yet but i will when i have some free time. i have to go to seward and crete and york...

we're putting a team together

so i watched the new hulk movie. cant say it was that good but still a little entertaining. better than the last one. the stan lee scene was pretty eh but always funny. the best cameo goes to lou ferrigno though, i laughed at that one. i didnt realize it was him until after he looked at the pizza. maybe because i was watching a bootleg on my computer. anyway, i read a review that said it was good when there was no hulk and blah exrtreme(ly boring but action packed) cg combat the rest of the time. this is true. the stuff with the hulk vs evil hulk, bleh. overall this movie was basically a story connector for what i assume will be some huge avengers movie after they make a few more for individual characters. like thor. i just read on wikipedia that avengers is scheduled for 2011. at least theyll get it out there before the world ends.

han solo taken out of context for purpose of dirty talk

Get in there, you big furry oaf! I don't care what you smell!

Well, short help is better than no help at all

Better her than me!

Ch-Chewie! I can't see, pal. What's going on?

Hurry up, goldenrod! Or you're gonna be a permanent resident!

Where did you dig up that old fossil?

No! Stop, Chewie, stop! Chewie! Chewie this won't help me! Hey!

Who's scruffy-looking?

Sorry sweetheart. I haven't got time for anything else.

Look out he's loose!

Great, kid. Don't get cocky.

Sorry about the mess.

Stay sharp. There's two more coming in.

She's fast enough for you old man.

Besides, I know a few maneuvers.

She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid. I've made a lot of special modifications myself.

Wonderful girl. Either I'm going to kill her or I'm beginning to like her.

What're you lookin' at? I know what I'm doin'.

Absolutely, Your Worship. Look, I had everything under control until you led us down here!

Ugh. And I thought they smelled bad on the *outside*.

This is no cave.

Easy? You call that easy?

You said you wanted to be around when I made a mistake, well, this could be it, sweetheart.

You know, sometimes I amaze even myself.

Thanks for coming after me. I owe you one.

Hurry up, will ya? Haven't got all day!

YAHOOOOO! You're all clear, kid, now let's blow this thing and go home!

joe black meets jack

i think this looks good but i will probably forget about it come december

more files

so i dont know how i feel about this. i will most likely watch it when it comes out, but i dont see why they are making a new x files movie. i liked the last one at first because of my celebrity crush on gillian anderson and because i watched x files on a daily basis considering it was on fx every single day at least once. but really the movie kind of killed it all for me. the show went on to focus too much on aliens, which is mildly interesting but once you turn down that path its hard to go anywhere else. or so it seemed. im not really sure what this new movie will be about but i assume aliens. i hope im wrong.

i got bit by a dog

so, most of the time when im walking somebody in a car yells at me or does something that has something to do with me. today that happened but then i got bit by a dog. so that seems to trump getting yelled at. i was walking down 33rd and this guy stopped me and asked if i had seen a black dog. i said no and kept walking. i was heading down vine street when i saw a black dog that ran up to me and started barking. i stared at it for awhile and it ran off behind a fence. i walked up to it thinking i might be able to take this dog to that guy but then i didnt really know if it was his and it kept barking and being pissed off so i walked away. the dog came after me and attacked my ankle biting through my jeans. i ended up walking around some more but eventually went to lincare and they gave me a tetanus shot and a prescription for some antibiotics that i havent picked up yet. im supposed to call the animal control tomorrow

i mean, you could die

so i have been doing a lot of walking,

hit king

i was going to write this blog about why pete rose should be in the hall of fame but my points werent anything new and i started thinking that maybe its best hes not in the hall. mostly because i think its kind of a joke. sports in general. this has a lot to do with how pissed off i was when the kings lost to the lakers in '02 when they were clearly the better team and should have won but the refs and robert horry had to be huge assholes. which has now got me thinking about every sporting event that crushed me in my younger days in which i felt robbed. i mean obviously the huskers were fair and square schellacked by the arizona state sun devils but what about that fsu game. C'MON! totally rigged. so now i was thinking about how gambling shouldnt keep rose out of the hall and bla bla but my mind has switched sides mid blogging and now i think pete rose is a pile of shit. a pile of shit that was really good at baseball.

so im going to be moving this weekend i guess. im really tired of moving. i think this will be the last time i keep most of my things. (couches) mostly. i'd also like to sell my tv. i really dont use it for much. video games sure, but video games are boring and a waste of time. for the most part i watch movies on my computer. i really dont need a tv, least of all a widescreen hdtv. my car is out of gas apparently and wont start. mike just tried to drive it to work. so i need to find a gas can. hopefully someone i know has one. i think someone is coming here to spray for bugs. goddamn the mold on my carpet is getting worse. i need to find out what to do about that. gross.

without discussing what you saw or what you remember
not getting all the colors or words right but considering
the possibility that they are all where
the are supposed to be

without discussing what you saw or what you remember
not getting all the colors or words right but considering
the possibility that they are all where
the are supposed to be

pigs speak of authentic-
city with a grunt
like this
stutter because
you're nervous or
something hits you

a thousand voices or
more-
i don't lie i
just never tell the truth

when everything is wrong
someone else
is sure to come
but that goes wrong too

and we find ourselves old
speaking with lisps

i just remembered that last night a woman in a gas station called me a fag

i didnt want my deleting of things to delete things that i did not intend to delete or write

you don't like zinfandel is evident
and evidently infanticide.

ghost partners. make it
into a card game.

so the other day i was riding my bike down to the office and the cement was wet from a rain. i was going pretty fast and took a turn at what i thought was a reasonable speed. the bike slid out from under me and for a moment i was sliding at an angle and realized what was happening. i stuck my left knee out to brace my fall and slid on my side. it didnt hurt quite that much but my knee was pretty sore and i was just a little stunned at first. i just thought about writing this because the area where my knee hit the ground has minor scrapes which arent a big deal but the area is still numb. im not really sure what that means. i suppose i should be more careful in life since i dont have any sort of insurance.

600

thats my job

so yesterday i was called a communist and today i was threatened to have the cops called on me.

BIG SURPRISE

the red album is not worth your time

listening to this

a loaded question

weeping from
an unknown place
deep in the woods

although there was no
tree within
the sound
falling by the darkness

forgetting to remark willow
or talking fire

i smell of lake
though you call me sun god
knowing once there were
fathers big enough
to be men

deafness is questionable
always
as are the hands that draw
dirt from small stones
shaped like teeth

i juggle the morning
cast smoky spells
throwing glass
that doesnt shatter

and you remember
to cocoon

boiler boiler boiler

i got signed on for a job (temp) but decent money and i think i will enjoy the work. its outside and i feel good about what its doing, although it involves sort of pestering strangers which i admit is pretty annoying. but there are people who sign petitions just to do it and dont even consider what theyre signing and thats when i step in and kick their ass. figuratively. i have this cough. and it's terribly annoying. im also getting a headache because of the cough and now my eyes are starting to water and it sucks. im trying to focus on doing something for dnd but its hard. im really pretty terrible at getting this organized. i feel like its getting boring. i dont really know where its going. i enjoy making back story but im terrible at making front story. my throat my throat why have you forsaken me. my dad wrote me a letter, i read the first line and put it down. he called me today and i didnt answer. he complains about how i talk to my mom more than him (which is partially true only because my mom doesnt call me with nothing to talk about and she actually listens and doesnt seem afraid to talk in person or over the phone) my dad writes me these letters to make me feel bad and feel sorry for him. that really pisses me off. why the fuck would him making me feel bad make me want to talk to him more often. i would be really happy if he would figure his life out and move on. then i might talk to him. right now hes still stuck in this sad divorced father/husband mode that has nothing to do with me and i want nothing to do with it.

i had a dream that i was in prison but i was allowed out for a short while every day. one day i fell asleep at home and was late getting back to prison and there was this whole trying to jump on a boat that was crossing a moat but they pulled it away so i fell into the water thing. and then one of the guards put this tape on the ground that gives traction, you know like that sand paper tape that is for traction... anyway he put that on the ground and slammed my face into it and rubbed it along the tape. that was my punishment for being late coming back to prison.

"did you drag me here so you could bone that japanese girl?"

last night i rode mikes bike to the gas station and picked up two half pints of seagrams 7 and some sprite and then rode to the sheldon and drank in the art garden thing behind it. it was pretty great. i wish i didnt leave that place. but i did. i went to duffys thinking MAYBE i will know somebody here. i bought a drink. i didnt know anyone there. it was a weird feeling. i drank half of it and went to o'rourkes where there were a few people i knew. i dont like o'rourkes, but it was alright since i wasnt drinking. the place was packed. cody glen wasnt there. z.s. and i walked all the way to bumpkin land on 12th and washington to go to this party and i never even went onto the porch. i stood outside the whole time and the furthest i got into the house was sitting on the steps to the porch. kyle and flowers old neighbor was there and i scolded her for calling me a kid because shes only two years older than me. that girl needs to check up on her age brackets. i also ranted about d&d for awhile when z.s. said he was playing 4rth ed this week. then i met this guy, i forget his name, he was mexican from mexico but he has lived in the u.s. for 20 years. he was 33 and going to highschool to learn english. his english was pretty good. better than my spanish. i talked to him about creative writing and how i feel like it is essential for making a better world. i gave this rant to paul one time. sometimes i feel like a pretty huge dick when i go on my drunk rants. not like "god justin was a dick to me" but more like "justin, what a dick". you know. anyway then i walked all the way to something like 30th and Q or something. i forget.

i talked about dungeons and dragons to strangers

YOUR NAME WITH AN (R) NEXT TO IT

i am no longer a wandering diplomat of the unpolitical mass.
i just ate two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches although one was composed of both the front and back heel of the loaf. im not sure how i feel about this. im still contemplating moving. not sure when. not sure where. but its always in the back of my mind. im sure its in the back of a lot of peoples minds. well, i cant say im sure but i am sure. do they make grape jelly out of green grapes? i suppose they probably do. i cant say im sure about that either. it was a long hot walk to the dmv. kind of ironic that i walked to the dmv. of course then i found out you dont actually register at the dmv. thankfully the place you DO register at is right by the dmv. when i left the dmv to head to the correct building a woman asked me if i was registered to sign a petition and i said that is what i was going to do. ironic again since i was registering to vote to try and get a job to prevent people from signing a petition. she asked me to sign anyway even though i wasnt registered quite yet and i said ill consider it. i considered it and didnt sign. i walked home and my feet started to hurt on the lower back end of my heel where the shoe rubs. this always happens.

ITS SCARY OUTSIDE

i feel like people assume way too much about me. but i feel like most people dont really know me very well.

i should really think about it before i write it. saying and writing. i just dont think.

last night i had a dream that i had a son through artificial insemination. i forgot my sons name but he was really little. sort of a little me with super blue eyes. one day i came home and my door was busted open but everything was still there. mainly i saw my tv and right when i saw it i realized they didnt come to steal anything. my son was abducted. not like alien abduction but ransom of some kind. it never really got solved because the next thing i know he was back and apparently the cops caught the people. for the rest of my dream i was either holding his hand or giving him a piggy back ride. we went to a bar/venue and watched kyle perform some songs. i didnt stay long though and left before he was done. i went home with my son.

childhood

these are my favorite professional athletes of all time. they are in order of my absolute love for them. one from each of the major american pro sports (nfl, nhl, nba, mlb).
in order:

number 1:


Reggie Miller 31 for the pacers and ONLY the pacers. thank the lord almighty he didnt go play for the terrible celtics. i would have stabbed out my eyes and gone into exile ala oedipus.

this was the greatest moment in my life other than the 3 nc's for the huskers during the 90's



number 2:


Ken Griffey Jr. the natural, the kid, the sweetest swing in baseball. injuries and going to the reds ruined what would have been the greatest career in mlb history forever and ever amen.

number 3:

22 emmitt smith. although i lost some love towards the end of his career when he was just chasing records ESPECIALLY when he went to the cardinals. also i stopped caring about pro football once emmitt was a backup to lesser men. the main reason i became a fan was back in the 2nd grade when i won an emmitt smith rookie card at a card show in scotsbluff nebraska.


and finally number 4 from the nhl


sergei federov 91 redwings 99 overall on NHL 96

i am sitting in a bowl of soup

the savages

i need a whisky and jim beam

poetry is better than me. there are things in my mouth and things maybe to leave my mouth that i do not say. what are, or have the, rules on talking about people on "blogs" who may or may not read said "blogs", nevermind. new rule never to talk about anyone other than me and the divine. so i had a pretty lengthy religious conversation last night but i really didnt have a point to it of course. i was just rambling of this small list of facts that i know off the top of my head. FACTS, may or may not be the correct word there. i did say a bunch of bull shit too which was moderately called upon me due to margarett having a degree in religion as well. i often assume im the only one blah blah blah poor me listen to me im drunk and talk about jesus and the mary chain. i regret-regret-regret. i am glad to be home now. i am tired but probably maybe wont sleep. although its good to say random nothings before maybe but possibly not sleeping. downside is i have no desire to sleep in my bed so hopefully this couch will suffice.

nude as the news

i am drinking ten high. i have no cigarettes. i am wearing a shirt but no pants. i am listening to cat power.

medical study

theres one coming up for 12 days 3400 dollars but it interferes with sigur ros. theres another one for similar pay and time but i cant do that one, but i assume that means there will be more. these are also just what they show online so there might be more. i guess ill call sometime. either way ill probably be in a study for two weeks sometime in the next month.

A society should be judged not by how it treats its outstanding citizens but by how it treats its criminals. - Fyodor Dostoevsky

i've been looking at ads on writeaprisoner.com and it got me thinking about the movie the hurricane but all these guys just want romantic letters from women of any race, age or size.

at at at at at at... etc. etc. etc.

there are a lot of things going through my head. none of them are going in the same direction.

boys II men

goooooooool

recipe recipe recipe tot

i feel as though i have no creativity. i feel like everything i do is a cop out of something greater. not greater as in awesomely sweet, but greater as in more. i always stop. not like stop because i quit, or stop because im tired or bored, but stop because im empty. out of gas. broke. deadish. the right side of my throat hurts pretty bad. i hope it isnt the onset of the plague. or a cold. or sinus thing. i hate being sick. i hope im not sick. everything i do is half ass. i know its half ass when im doing it but there is this strange (er... not so strange, thats not really the right word) but there is this THING inside of me that keeps me from doing things. i think to myself, i should do this, and then i just dont do it. i don't know if im afraid of something or whatever it is but i sort of zone out and forget things and dont do things when i know im supposed to do them. like get a job. where the fuck is my motivation to get a job. i think i actually thought (eh) that a job would fall into my lap once i got my lame ass degree. the dui really doesnt help in the job hunt, but neither does me being unfriendly, and whatever else i am. i mean, im not actually unfriendly, im just uncomfortable. all the time. i think im pretty damn friendly actually. maybe thats not true. i dont know. sometimes i think pretty highly of myself and then there are times where i think im a big dick.

r.i.p.

mawbeek

so the party infiltrated the base of yorl darnef via an underground sewer system. their goal was to find an airship that yorl owned and kept in a secret hangar. upon getting into yorl darnef's base they ran into a crow like creature by the name of mawbeek who immediately surrendered to the party and offered his services so they would not kill him. mawbeek showed them how to get into the hangar through a series of air vents. once into the hangar the party had to fight off some guards before Dytros Belgar (yorl darnef's right hand man) walked in to see what was going on. Argos finished him off and the party got into the air ship, and took off (with the help of mawbeek). the ship was propelled by a strange engine that worked by an alchemical reaction. thus far the party seems completely oblivious to everything, never questioning anyone for their services or advice. they aren't even exactly sure what they're doing. but they will soon find out. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh and as they were leaving a large battalion of troops began entering chebak. they also saw olrun dorn in the city walking to brisben's cafe. they didn't stick around to find out what was going on. olrun dorn is one of the most famous men in all the north and south kingdoms and currently 3rd in command of the entire military region guard division behind only vaglos argunas and

because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance... a beautiful dance with a chainsaw.

i have a new found appreciation for danny devito

uncle augo's poo removal

so i went to see prince caspian and it sucked.
but i ate this and it was good:


mediterranean veggie sandwich at panera bread. although next time i probably wont get the baguette because that was just too much bread. once again, prince caspian sucked. i need to stop getting my hopes up for children fantasy movies. the more i eat healthy, the more i start enjoying healthy food and then the more i like to eat it and then it sort of defeats the purpose of it all.

the law won

went down to the court house. paid my dues. glad they take visa.

ran into my mom.

i thought about telling her that if both of my parents try to have lunch with me again i wont go. i hadn't seen my dad since december so that was awkward enough, but to sit at a table eating lunch with both of them while they talked about their current lives was down right unbearable.